Why Say No? To Increase the Quality of Your Yesses
“No” — this one small word is a very powerful weapon in making a schedule that is right for you and your family. Most self-help experts agree that, if you are going to be successful at anything, you will have to say no to lots of things. The famous billionaire and investor Warren Buffet says it this way, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”
That might be easy for Warren Buffet to say, but how do you do that with kids? How do you say no when you are trying to help each member of your family be successful in what they want? We know we can’t please everyone all the time, but how do we know which things to say yes to?
How to Say “No” and “Yes” with Confidence — Know What Is Most Important
Self-help expert Stephen Covey says, “The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.” You have to know the definition of success for you, for your family, and for each child. Yes, this is the hard part — to take the time to define success as a family and for each person.
Let’s start with one child. What is your definition of success for that child? What does that look like in 10, 20, 50 and 100 years? “Begin with the end in mind.” Stephen Covey and others have said this, but more importantly, the Bible has a lot to say on this subject. Jesus tells us, “What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done” (Matthew 16:26-27 NIV).
To be clear, this is not about gaining our souls any more than it’s about gaining the world. It’s not about what we can earn or do at all. It’s about knowing you are loved and giving your life and your family back to the One whose love you can never lose.
To be good parents, we first need to fully accept God’s free gift to us: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God — not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9 NIV). Only then can we “do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Eph 2:10) — works like loving our kids and showing them how to love God.
This helps reframe everything. The decisions we are making now will impact our children for the rest of their lives. If you define success for your child as spending eternity in glory with God, you can create a simple grid that allows you to make decisions on everything including schools, vacations, technology, after-school activities, and even how you can best support them and where to be involved.
Two Questions For Guidance
If you define success as following Jesus and enjoying eternal life with him, you can use the great commandment passage in Matthew 22:37-39:
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
Based on that verse, ask these two questions to bring great clarity to any decision:
- How will a “yes” or a “no” to this decision help your child know God better? To know God is to more deeply understand his holiness and to rely on his grace and mercy in a way that leads us to worship him with all we have.
- How will a “yes” or “no” to this decision help you know, love and serve others better?
It is important to know what works for one child or family might not work for another, especially as it involves a big decision like school choice or whether to join a team or club. What could lead one child in the wrong direction could be beneficial to another (see Romans 14 for what God says about this). Also, remember that making a decision for one child can impact the whole family. If saying “yes” means it takes up many weekends or weeknight dinners, you could be in effect be saying “no” to other things you deeply value.
Of course, it is not easy, but through prayer and reliance on God to guide us, we can be assured we are making decisions that lead us and our kids to God.